Fish Biscuits

Yes, you heard me Fish Biscuits!

How about a big plate of fish biscuits!

We all have a need for profanities, anyone who doesn’t swear is about five seconds away from a catastrophic stroke (it’s called externalizing). The problem with profanities is that of social acceptability when used in public or around small children. So what’s the solution I hear you ask? Simple, it’s fish biscuits. Everyone loves fish, either for eating or watching and who doesn’t love biscuits. Consequently, if you start yelling out fish biscuits every now and then no one is going to complain. People may look at you like you’ve gone stark raving mad, but it’s better than the look of disapproval when you drop the other f bomb or heaven forbid the c word. Who knows, you may even get a laugh out of it, even from the person you’ve just referred to as a fish biscuit.

To help you get started here are a few lines you could try:

1. Fish Biscuit! (works well when sustaining a self inflicted injury)
2. You are a god damn fish biscuit!
3. Son of a fish biscuit.
4. You can go get fish biscuit.
5. I don’t give a fish biscuit.

So, there you are, a simple solution to a first world problem.

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Why We’re Totally Screwed

Some days I feel like banging my head against the table then running off down the street screaming like a Banshee. It’s usually after I’ve reached a tipping point in my frustration with society. So, like a cathartic purging, I’m going to dump a few of my major issues I have with society. It’s pretty much a summary of why I think we’re all totally screwed and have lost the will to evolve.

Religion

What religions are these anyway?

Yeah yeah, I know, religion has bought us so many wonderful things. Not directly though, more as a muse for artistic endeavors, painting and sculpture to name a few. But, and it’s a big one, organized religion is responsible for some of the most heinous atrocities committed against our fellow humans, all “in the name of god”. So many wars have been waged, people persecuted, governments influenced and collective guilt instilled all in the name of religion. The simple solution, do away with the whole lot. There is no place for religion in the influence in the affairs of the state. Personally I like the idea of Humanism. The only good thing that has come from war is technological advancement. Many would argue that is not necessarily a good thing, Douglas Adams suggested that perhaps getting down out of the trees may have even been a bad move.

The Class System

Looking down their nose at us or a sore neck from the pole up their bums?

The idea that some people think they are better than others to the point where they can not be touched by the “common man” makes me choke on my own bile. The cost alone of maintaining this nonsense would keep me in lattes for at least a week or two. Supposedly someone had to give birth to them all (some may be robots or at least wax), they came screaming into this world the same as the rest of us, how that gives them the right to be rude to the everyone I don’t know. If it turned out they were all aliens from outer space that would be a different issue, then I’d care about what they got up to.

Mass Media

New hair? I don't care.

Don’t believe the hype! Anyone who thinks mass media is an accurate representation of society is seriously deluded. Either that or we are all deluded and it is an accurate representation (my head hurts now). Seriously, who gives a wet slap in a flood? Google “Kim Kardashian’s new hair colour” and you get no few than 154 news articles related to it. When I heard this new hair colour being discussed on the radio I felt an overwhelming urge ring the station and unload a verbal tirade. Having seen and heard people doing that in the past I felt it best to avoid being labelled as another “disgruntled raving lunatic”, so I bit my tongue. Thankfully WordPress.com has given me a wonderful place to vent and avoid having a massive stroke. Oh, and it’s not lost on me that by discussing my issue here I am in fact perpetuating the problem (don’t they say any publicity is good publicity?).

Instant Coffee

Why the hell would I want to drink this (sorry, more bile)?

Made from real ground dessicated mouse poop.

When I can have this.

The perfect latte.

Made with this piece of truly beautiful industrial art. It also happens to make a latte.

A true work of art. The Atomic Coffee Maker.

Is life so rushed that we need to have our coffee instantly? Seriously people, take five minutes out of your day and drink proper coffee, and not some soy mocha decaf frappé chino with a twist of lemon either (almost as bad as instant).

I already feel better. I understand some people won’t agree with me, that’s their choice. The wonderful thing about freedom of choice is that it’s there to make if you want it. I guess I just don’t like other people’s choices rammed down my throat (not unlike what I just did to you). I have lots more that I believe is wrong with society but first I need to visit what is right. I think it’s time for a latte.

Infernal Machines

Matthew Inman from theoatmeal.com did a great piece on “Why I Believe Printers Were Sent From Hell To Make Us Miserable” that is both hilariously funny and true. Printers fall into the category I call “Infernal Machines”, to me this covers any device that despite all the technical advances of our modern society we have been unable to make it function properly (or at all). By function properly I mean work. Some recent experiences have highlighted another device that fits into the infernal machine class, that being the not so humble toaster. Whilst Matthew suggests printers are from hell, I believe each toaster when made is then inhabited by the soul of a dead criminally insane individual, who can then continue harassing us for eternity (or a least as long as you own a toaster).

How does a toaster when left on the same setting with the same bread produce such random levels of browning from raw to incinerated? The settings on a toaster appear to be to be either a random number generator (the random number being the number of pieces the toaster will burn), or an ingenious dial where the cooking level between each setting say 2-3 or 3-4 is either based on a logarithmic or exponential scale. My toaster seems to alternate between the two but has a leaning towards an exponential scale.

Same toast, same setting, WTF??*

  A – Ingenious dial with either logarithmic or exponential settings. B – Who knows what the fuck these do? It’s a toaster, you should put toast in and it should cook it. My phone has less buttons than this.

Clearly Jasper Fforde’s Toast Marketing Board have serious quality control issues. The idea that a toaster can consistently produce pieces of toast that meet your requirements is as absurd a stapler (another infernal machine) that works properly. The only chance I think we have of saving the toaster is if the boffins and NASA decide that their astronauts need some nice warm toast whilst in space.

Astronaut Steven Smith loves his toast thanks to his NASA toaster.

It would take several decades and about $50 million to perfect but no doubt it would work perfectly (or destroyed in a large explosion on first use). If they make a cordless drill that looks like this:

NASA cordless drill

I would expect their toaster to look something like this:

NASA toaster

 It might weigh 35kg and use more energy than the sun produces in one week, but I strongly believe it would produce the perfect piece of toast. Something not dissimilar to this:

Perfect toast, nom nom.^

On a final note whilst looking for some images to steal for this post I came across this toaster. It’s the Rowlette Rutland Premier 4ATS-151 4 Slot Stainless Steel Toaster. It retails for £124 or $186 AU (roughly $5,000 US) and looks like the kind of toaster that says I’m going to toast the fuck out of your bread. I have a feeling it may be based on valve technology instead of the solid state electronic crap we use today. Basically, until the NASA toaster is ready sometime around 2025, I want one.

Rowlette Rutland Premier 4ATS-151 4 Slot Stainless Steel Toaster

Remember, enjoy toast in moderation.

* Just a photo of different toasting levels. If you thought I’d actually done an experiment on this and recorded the results you’ve clearly over estimated me.

^ Not my problem if you like your toast darker or lighter. The NASA toaster has only one setting, perfect. The NASA toaster pictured above is actually someone’s home made PC, clearly they have far to much spare time on their hands.

Famous

Is it possible to become famous just by publishing posts on a blog? Perhaps that is the wrong question. How do I become famous by publishing posts on a blog? The problem with fame is it’s difficult to obtain and easy to lose. Writing a post that is a whinge about why your blog isn’t internationally renowned and featured in the New Yorker is definitely not the way to get your blog featured in the New Yorker.

I guess this post is therefore just the recognition of my complete lack of creativity. I know I’m funny and smart, but they do not equal creativity, even with a healthy serve of sarcasm thrown in for good measure. The most disappointing thing is that some people are creative and not funny, whilst others are creative geniuses and not very smart at all (I have a feeling that last comment may be an oxymoron). All this is very frustrating.

Perhaps I should stop trying to do this creativity bizzo at 3AM, a sleep deprived, poorly functioning brain does not like being poked with a stick at this hour. The other possibility is that I’m barking up the wrong tree (or just barking mad).

More Music

I’m feeling lost again, not in any serious way. Work has recently become just work, home life is so crazy chaotic it’s become all consuming (thankfully the home life is chaotic for good reasons). When life gets a little hectic I think it’s important to escape once in a while. My latest escape is the album Lungs by Florence + the Machine.

Florence + The Machine - Lungs

I’d had the single Dog Days Are Over for a while then recently iTunes was nice enough to have the whole album on sale. I’d been tempted to buy it for some time and who can argue with $7.80. It’s funny, when I checked out the albums details on Wikipedia I was surprised to see the album was released way back in July of 2009, 2 years ago! Wow, talking about getting on the bandwagon late. Anyway, what a surprising album this has turned out to be. As with many albums I’ve purchased recently my favourite tracks are ones that haven’t been released as singles. I love making these discoveries, finding special tracks before they are thrust upon you by the mass media, secretly I like it if the songs are never released, I feel like I’m keeping them to myself.

Between Two Lungs is currently my favourite and is receiving a hammering on my iPhone. It’s a truly uplifting track and I love the way it builds to the end. Check out a version of the track here on YouTube, this version doesn’t quite have the same impact as the album version, it’s still fantastic none the less.

The other tracks on my regular playlist are Swimming, My Boy Builds Coffins, Cosmic Love and Hurricane Drunk. Cosmic Love has a fantastic video to go with it (unfortunately like most official videos you can’t watch it on the iPhone, why why why???), I’ll include it for those reading this on their computer.

My Boy Builds Coffins is not as morbid as I first thought, I do like the thought of how he makes beautiful things that no one gets to see. Swimming is a great song that I’m still trying to work out it’s meaning and what I’m taking from the song. When I was looking to see if it had an official video I stumbled across a video on YouTube that I thought for a second was the official video, but felt it had a few editing flaws. It turns out it was put together by a fan using footage from a video diary of a trip to LA by Florence Welch. It’s actually not terrible and allows you to listen to the song for free.

Well, that’s my little take on Lungs. I’m looking forward to their next instalment.

Maybe I’m Already In Hell

The world was supposed to end last Saturday yet nothing seems to have changed. Harold Camping predicted that the rapture would occur on the 21st of May 2011. Previously he predicted the rapture would occur in 1994 (can you see a pattern here). Of course he also goes on to suggest that god will destroy the Earth and the rest of the universe for good measure on the 21st of October. This seems like a pretty bad idea to me, it’s not like he’s putting in a hyperspace bypass or anything. It’s like having a really intricate model that you’ve just spent several millennia building only to smash it to pieces because you’re bored with it and can’t be bothered fixing a few mistakes you’ve made along the way. I’ve poked a bit of fun at the idea of ‘the rapture’ recently, mainly because organized religion gives me the irrits, but also because if I am wrong then I’m going to be in a fair bit of strife anyway, so why not poke the bear.

If I have made a rather large error in judgement then it’s off to hell for me, which supposedly involves a lot of fire, brimstone and eternal damnation. Looking around these days there already seems to be plenty of fire and brimstone with the earth trying it’s hardest to turn itself inside out of recent years. If someone asked me for a description of eternal damnation I’d say something along the lines of “going to work day in and day out, only to give half of what you earned to someone who thinks little of you (aka the taxman/Hades/Satan), all whilst people around you suffer horrible deaths due to starvation and war. Then when you’re not slaving your guts out at work you have to suffer through infomercials and telemarketers”. Yep, sounds like the rapture may have occurred a while back and we just have realized we’re already in hell.

Styx by Gustave Doré

Only the Young, and Others

My last post got me thinking about my love of music videos. A fond memory through my teenage years was watching Rage and Video Hits on Saturday and Sunday mornings (yes, they used to be on both days). Thankfully they weren’t full of ads and a couple of fools rabbiting on about who knows what (or whatever the latest music festival is). Anyway, thanks to the wonders of modern technology in particular YouTube and iTunes, music videos have never been so accessible, even the ones I used to watch. Since I worked out how to embed YouTube videos in my blog I’ve decided to put a few of my favourites together.

Only the Young

Continuing on the Brandon Flowers theme, below is the last music video he made for his debut solo album Flamingo. Flamingo easily ranks up in my top 5 albums in recent years. There is a lot that is new, yet the voice of The Killers is unmistakably there. If you like The Killers and haven’t heard this album do yourself a favour and have a listen. The video for this song features Cirque Du Soleil Le Reve, a spectacular show that uses acrobatics and bucket loads of water. If we ever get back to the USA and go to Las Vegas I’d love to check it out.

Never Let You Go

Evermore are a great New Zealand band (thanks to @Albums_Blog from albumsyouprobablydontown.blogspot.com for correcting that they aren’t an Aussie band, even though they reside here now) and they have a number of songs on my regular playlist. The track Never Let You Go from their 2006 album Real Life is one of my favourites. I love how they use snippets of old footage to represent the lyrics from the song, it seems to emphasis the lyrics even more.

Take on Me

Ok, so I was only 11 when this track was first released, but it still managed to have an impact on me. Apart from being a great song it has a very cool music video. The video won several awards when it was released and included the technique of rotoscoping (sketching over the live footage to make an animation).

World

New Order are a group that have spanned several generations especially if you go back to the Joy Division days. I can’t say that I’ve been a big fan of all their music, Bizarre Love Triangle from the album Brotherhood is one of my favourite tracks. I do like several tracks from the 1993 album Republic, including Regret and World. The music video for World is filmed in Cannes and features a series of steadicam shots. I love videos that take you on a Journey, probably why I love Russian Ark so much (I must remember to tell you about that some time).

Perhaps I won’t bore you with too many videos all at once and break them up over a few posts, so stay tuned. I hope you’ve enjoyed these videos and maybe seen a couple of tracks you like.

Modern Methods

In the song Magdalena by Brandon Flowers, there are the lines “please don’t offer me your modern method, I’m fixin’ to carve this out of wood”. Supposedly this song is about a religious pilgrimage from Nogales to Magdalena and the story of the area around Sonora (that is about a brief a summary as you are going to get, I read a post about the meaning of the song that was several pages). Anyway, I am not generally one for looking at metaphors/meanings/symbolism in most things I listen to, watch or read, mainly because it is a bit beyond me (except in this article which is pure gold). I much prefer to take whatever meaning/symbolism/interpretation that comes to me not what the creator is trying to deliver. Of course occasionally (rarely is probably a better word) my interpretation and that meant by the author are similar, although I have a feeling it is not the case with these lines from the Brandon Flowers song.

If you knew where I was going with this post you might be inclined to tell me to stop rambling, so I’ll get on with it and put you out of your misery, or create some depending on your tastes and or literary abilities.

A great dilemma I have is my desire for everything that is technological and everything that is not. Those who know me often put “geek” in the sentence when they are talking about/to me. This comes from my love of having the latest and greatest gadgets including MacBook Pro’s, iPhone 4’s, iPad’s, Kindle’s the list goes on. The idea of reading/writing/watching/listening to everything (including writing this blog) using some form of electronic device really appeals to me. There is something about being connected 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, no matter where you are on the planet that is almost comforting. There has been many a word said, when I have attempted to use said technology whilst on holiday or late at night lying in bed.

What many people don’t know about me is my love of everything that is old (or at least old fashioned). I own a fountain pen (even if my handwriting is not really suitable for it), several of my favourite watches have no battery (yes I have to wind them up) and I still do like to have certain books in paperback. When time and money allow I would love to get my hands on an old valve amplifier to play my music, I strongly believe that modern technology has made music harsh and almost sterile. Whilst I don’t plan to switch my entire music collection over to vinyl, there is something nice about the warmth old equipment gives music. A leather satchel that has been worn with time and use has much more charm that the synthetic bags of today and whilst sharing your thoughts with everyone  else (like I am now), the privacy of a well made journal to pen your thoughts is also a joy to hold. In recent times I’ve even toyed with the idea of buying an old film camera, but god knows where you get film developed these days (I used to be able to do it myself).

I consider myself lucky that I was born in a time before computers (before everyone had one at least), mobile phones, ATM’s and CD’s. I think this is why I have a love for all that is old and want to keep it near me. I don’t want to give up my technology, in fact I want all that is the latest/fastest/coolest. I just want to use it whilst listening to some music that has warmth to it and occasionally take out a pen and piece of paper from something made of leather.

Fate is the Hunter

Dictionary.com defines fate as “the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed”. I want to tell you a little story that I hope helps you see why I believe in fate.

A man was walking his dog one day, as he had done many times. On this particular day, for no apparent reason, the dog decides to run out onto the road. As often happens when dogs run onto the road it was hit by a car. The driver of the car did not stop and the man was left with his dog lying on the road. As luck would have it the dog was not seriously injured, so the man picked up his friend and tried to flag down other motorists to help him get the dog to the vet. Eventually a good samaritan stopped and offered the man and his dog a lift to the vet. Naturally the man was quite distressed and whilst driving to the vet our good samaritan became distracted by this and drove through a red light at an intersection. The car collided with another car coming through the intersection, the result of which I would only describe as fate. You see, whilst the human occupants were wearing seat belts, our injured dog was lying on his owners lap. When the cars collided the dog was thrown against the windscreen and killed. Fate had decided the dog was going to die that day.

You may think I made that story up, but as I had the misfortune of being indirectly involved in it, I can testify to it’s truth. It is one of the thousands of pieces of evidence I have observed that tell me fate is the hunter. Something I’d like to make blatantly obvious is I don’t believe in god or gods. This did cause some difficulty when trying to rationalize my belief in fate, after all, who or what is doing the prescribing? I have thought about this long and hard and have come to the conclusion that we are responsible for our own fates. We make decisions and take actions that lead us down particular paths. Fate is just the interaction of our paths with the paths of others. An important point with this is that everything, not just people, has it’s own path, from the individual atom, to the tallest tree, and to the universe itself. Everything has paths that are constantly interacting. Sometimes these interactions seem extreme or unusual, I just call them fate.

On a side note, another man who believed in fate was Ernest K. Gann. He wrote an amazing book about his life as a pilot in the early days of civil aviation. He talks about his belief in fate and how it nearly took (or saved, depending on how you view things) his and others lives many times. I highly recommend this book to anyone, it’s called “Fate is the Hunter” and you can pick a copy up on Amazon here.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Parenthesis

Anyway… she’s asleep, turned away from me on her side. The usual stratagems and repositionings have failed to induce narcosis in me, so I decide to settle myself against the soft zigzag of her body. As I move and start to nestle my shin against a calf whose muscles are loosened by sleep, she senses what I’m doing, and without waking reaches up with her left hand and pulls the hair off her shoulders on to the top of her head, leaving me her bare nape to nestle in. Each time she does this I feel a shudder of love at the exactness of this sleeping courtesy. My eyes prickle with tears, and I have to stop myself from waking her up to remind me of her love. At that moment, unconsciously, she’s touched some secret fulcrum of my feelings for her. She doesn’t know, of course; I’ve never told her of this tiny, precise pleasure of the night. Though I’m telling her now, I suppose…

Julian Barnes from A History of the World in 10.5 Chapters