Monthly Archives: July 2011

Why We’re Totally Screwed

Some days I feel like banging my head against the table then running off down the street screaming like a Banshee. It’s usually after I’ve reached a tipping point in my frustration with society. So, like a cathartic purging, I’m going to dump a few of my major issues I have with society. It’s pretty much a summary of why I think we’re all totally screwed and have lost the will to evolve.


What religions are these anyway?

Yeah yeah, I know, religion has bought us so many wonderful things. Not directly though, more as a muse for artistic endeavors, painting and sculpture to name a few. But, and it’s a big one, organized religion is responsible for some of the most heinous atrocities committed against our fellow humans, all “in the name of god”. So many wars have been waged, people persecuted, governments influenced and collective guilt instilled all in the name of religion. The simple solution, do away with the whole lot. There is no place for religion in the influence in the affairs of the state. Personally I like the idea of Humanism. The only good thing that has come from war is technological advancement. Many would argue that is not necessarily a good thing, Douglas Adams suggested that perhaps getting down out of the trees may have even been a bad move.

The Class System

Looking down their nose at us or a sore neck from the pole up their bums?

The idea that some people think they are better than others to the point where they can not be touched by the “common man” makes me choke on my own bile. The cost alone of maintaining this nonsense would keep me in lattes for at least a week or two. Supposedly someone had to give birth to them all (some may be robots or at least wax), they came screaming into this world the same as the rest of us, how that gives them the right to be rude to the everyone I don’t know. If it turned out they were all aliens from outer space that would be a different issue, then I’d care about what they got up to.

Mass Media

New hair? I don't care.

Don’t believe the hype! Anyone who thinks mass media is an accurate representation of society is seriously deluded. Either that or we are all deluded and it is an accurate representation (my head hurts now). Seriously, who gives a wet slap in a flood? Google “Kim Kardashian’s new hair colour” and you get no few than 154 news articles related to it. When I heard this new hair colour being discussed on the radio I felt an overwhelming urge ring the station and unload a verbal tirade. Having seen and heard people doing that in the past I felt it best to avoid being labelled as another “disgruntled raving lunatic”, so I bit my tongue. Thankfully has given me a wonderful place to vent and avoid having a massive stroke. Oh, and it’s not lost on me that by discussing my issue here I am in fact perpetuating the problem (don’t they say any publicity is good publicity?).

Instant Coffee

Why the hell would I want to drink this (sorry, more bile)?

Made from real ground dessicated mouse poop.

When I can have this.

The perfect latte.

Made with this piece of truly beautiful industrial art. It also happens to make a latte.

A true work of art. The Atomic Coffee Maker.

Is life so rushed that we need to have our coffee instantly? Seriously people, take five minutes out of your day and drink proper coffee, and not some soy mocha decaf frappé chino with a twist of lemon either (almost as bad as instant).

I already feel better. I understand some people won’t agree with me, that’s their choice. The wonderful thing about freedom of choice is that it’s there to make if you want it. I guess I just don’t like other people’s choices rammed down my throat (not unlike what I just did to you). I have lots more that I believe is wrong with society but first I need to visit what is right. I think it’s time for a latte.


Infernal Machines

Matthew Inman from did a great piece on “Why I Believe Printers Were Sent From Hell To Make Us Miserable” that is both hilariously funny and true. Printers fall into the category I call “Infernal Machines”, to me this covers any device that despite all the technical advances of our modern society we have been unable to make it function properly (or at all). By function properly I mean work. Some recent experiences have highlighted another device that fits into the infernal machine class, that being the not so humble toaster. Whilst Matthew suggests printers are from hell, I believe each toaster when made is then inhabited by the soul of a dead criminally insane individual, who can then continue harassing us for eternity (or a least as long as you own a toaster).

How does a toaster when left on the same setting with the same bread produce such random levels of browning from raw to incinerated? The settings on a toaster appear to be to be either a random number generator (the random number being the number of pieces the toaster will burn), or an ingenious dial where the cooking level between each setting say 2-3 or 3-4 is either based on a logarithmic or exponential scale. My toaster seems to alternate between the two but has a leaning towards an exponential scale.

Same toast, same setting, WTF??*
  A – Ingenious dial with either logarithmic or exponential settings. B – Who knows what the fuck these do? It’s a toaster, you should put toast in and it should cook it. My phone has less buttons than this.

Clearly Jasper Fforde’s Toast Marketing Board have serious quality control issues. The idea that a toaster can consistently produce pieces of toast that meet your requirements is as absurd a stapler (another infernal machine) that works properly. The only chance I think we have of saving the toaster is if the boffins and NASA decide that their astronauts need some nice warm toast whilst in space.

Astronaut Steven Smith loves his toast thanks to his NASA toaster.

It would take several decades and about $50 million to perfect but no doubt it would work perfectly (or destroyed in a large explosion on first use). If they make a cordless drill that looks like this:

NASA cordless drill

I would expect their toaster to look something like this:

NASA toaster

 It might weigh 35kg and use more energy than the sun produces in one week, but I strongly believe it would produce the perfect piece of toast. Something not dissimilar to this:

Perfect toast, nom nom.^

On a final note whilst looking for some images to steal for this post I came across this toaster. It’s the Rowlette Rutland Premier 4ATS-151 4 Slot Stainless Steel Toaster. It retails for £124 or $186 AU (roughly $5,000 US) and looks like the kind of toaster that says I’m going to toast the fuck out of your bread. I have a feeling it may be based on valve technology instead of the solid state electronic crap we use today. Basically, until the NASA toaster is ready sometime around 2025, I want one.
Rowlette Rutland Premier 4ATS-151 4 Slot Stainless Steel Toaster
Remember, enjoy toast in moderation.

* Just a photo of different toasting levels. If you thought I’d actually done an experiment on this and recorded the results you’ve clearly over estimated me.
^ Not my problem if you like your toast darker or lighter. The NASA toaster has only one setting, perfect. The NASA toaster pictured above is actually someone’s home made PC, clearly they have far to much spare time on their hands.


Is it possible to become famous just by publishing posts on a blog? Perhaps that is the wrong question. How do I become famous by publishing posts on a blog? The problem with fame is it’s difficult to obtain and easy to lose. Writing a post that is a whinge about why your blog isn’t internationally renowned and featured in the New Yorker is definitely not the way to get your blog featured in the New Yorker.

I guess this post is therefore just the recognition of my complete lack of creativity. I know I’m funny and smart, but they do not equal creativity, even with a healthy serve of sarcasm thrown in for good measure. The most disappointing thing is that some people are creative and not funny, whilst others are creative geniuses and not very smart at all (I have a feeling that last comment may be an oxymoron). All this is very frustrating.

Perhaps I should stop trying to do this creativity bizzo at 3AM, a sleep deprived, poorly functioning brain does not like being poked with a stick at this hour. The other possibility is that I’m barking up the wrong tree (or just barking mad).

More Music

I’m feeling lost again, not in any serious way. Work has recently become just work, home life is so crazy chaotic it’s become all consuming (thankfully the home life is chaotic for good reasons). When life gets a little hectic I think it’s important to escape once in a while. My latest escape is the album Lungs by Florence + the Machine.

Florence + The Machine - Lungs

I’d had the single Dog Days Are Over for a while then recently iTunes was nice enough to have the whole album on sale. I’d been tempted to buy it for some time and who can argue with $7.80. It’s funny, when I checked out the albums details on Wikipedia I was surprised to see the album was released way back in July of 2009, 2 years ago! Wow, talking about getting on the bandwagon late. Anyway, what a surprising album this has turned out to be. As with many albums I’ve purchased recently my favourite tracks are ones that haven’t been released as singles. I love making these discoveries, finding special tracks before they are thrust upon you by the mass media, secretly I like it if the songs are never released, I feel like I’m keeping them to myself.

Between Two Lungs is currently my favourite and is receiving a hammering on my iPhone. It’s a truly uplifting track and I love the way it builds to the end. Check out a version of the track here on YouTube, this version doesn’t quite have the same impact as the album version, it’s still fantastic none the less.

The other tracks on my regular playlist are Swimming, My Boy Builds Coffins, Cosmic Love and Hurricane Drunk. Cosmic Love has a fantastic video to go with it (unfortunately like most official videos you can’t watch it on the iPhone, why why why???), I’ll include it for those reading this on their computer.

My Boy Builds Coffins is not as morbid as I first thought, I do like the thought of how he makes beautiful things that no one gets to see. Swimming is a great song that I’m still trying to work out it’s meaning and what I’m taking from the song. When I was looking to see if it had an official video I stumbled across a video on YouTube that I thought for a second was the official video, but felt it had a few editing flaws. It turns out it was put together by a fan using footage from a video diary of a trip to LA by Florence Welch. It’s actually not terrible and allows you to listen to the song for free.

Well, that’s my little take on Lungs. I’m looking forward to their next instalment.

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